How To Deal With Cringe
A short guide to the pain of social rejection, real or perceived.
I remember a few years ago, during the announcements at my family’s church, I accidentally spoke too loud. I’m not sure how it happened. I don’t remember what I said. But I remember the consequence. I felt the hairs on my skin raise and the saliva in my mouth evaporate as the congregation of some 1,000 church-goers turned to look at me. Their eyeballs bore through my skull until my brain was sufficiently fried. I was absolutely mortified.
Cringe.
Melissa Dahl, author of Cringeworthy: A Theory of Awkwardness, said that “the moments that make us cringe are when we’re yanked out of our perspective, and we can suddenly see ourselves from somebody else’s point of view.” Oxford Dictionary describes cringe as the “experience [of] an inward shiver of embarrassment or disgust.”
When I remember how loudly I’d spoken in church, I cringe because of how embarrassing that faux pas was. I cringe because I know what it’s like to be annoyed by someone’s loud interruption. I cringe because, like my hunter-gatherer ancestors, my brain sees that social rejection as life or death.
Cringe.
Cringe is a forced moment of self-awareness, a realization that what you perceive yourself to be — normal, chill, conscious — can be shattered in a instant. Such a memory, being revisited at 1AM as you’re trying to sleep, is just as painful as it was in the moment.
We all cringe, both at ourselves and at others. I recently began rethinking cringe after ContraPoints, a talented socio-political commentator and skilled video producer, posted a video on Cringe. In her feature-length video, Natalie described two main forms of cringe: the cringe of embarrassment and the cringe of contempt. My focus is on the cringe of embarrassment you feel for yourself, though her video dives much deeper than I could.
Cringe.
Cringe is a recognition of our perceived rejection by our social group for our behaviour. Researchers at the University of Michigan Medical School found that, just as with physical pain, our brains release pain-killing chemicals called opioids to help us cope with social pain.
The pain of cringe is natural, and is likely here to stay. It serves a purpose, keeping us self-aware of how our actions may affect or be perceived by others (or on the flip side, keeps us under the thumb of our peers).
However, you can mitigate the pain. The fear of rejection that cringe causes may lead us to miss a multitude of opportunities for joy and success, whether financial, relational, or personal.
You can learn the lessons that the feeling of cringe is meant to provide without overindulging in the self-inflicted agony that often comes with it.
But how can we let go?
Cringe leads us to fear future rejection, true or perceived. The best ways to be freed of the pain of cringe are to face your fear of rejection and reach a place of self-indifference.
Face Your Fear of Rejection
In Jia Jiang’s Rejection Proof, he points out that by cowering from rejection, we reject ourselves. We miss out on experiences and moments with no one to blame but us. If you decide not to act out of fear of rejection, then you never get the chance to see how things could’ve turned out.
You may never become best friends with that super interesting person you saw at Starbucks.
You may never showcase your masterpieces in an art gallery.
You may never live your truth.
By cowering from rejection, we reject ourselves.
To face your fear of rejection, you need to throw yourself at the gnashing jaws of rejection itself. The theory behind rejection therapy posits that exposure to rejection lessens its impact as we come to realize that we haven’t died as a result. It’s not that big of a deal. Rejection isn’t going to kill us.
In his book, Jiang turns rejection into a game. Look for an opportunity to be rejected every day, he says. Say good morning to the grumpy old neighbour who watches you with a stink eye. Ask a flight attendant to make the welcome speech on the plane. Try to get free burger refills at McDonald’s.
Rejection isn’t going to kill us.
When you realize that the pain of rejection isn’t as bad as it first seems, you’re one step closer to living your best life.
Self-Indifference
You wouldn’t worry so much about what other people think of you if you realized how seldom they do.
Self-indifference, as described by Melissa Dahl, is the antithesis to self-love and self-hate.
[It’s] the relief of realizing that you’re simply not that big a deal.
Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone says and does silly things from time to time. Everyone has their own stuff going on. How people react to you isn’t up to you. Of course, you have some influence, but their response to you is a reflection of their own attitude, personality, background, and prejudice.
Worrying about how you’re perceived is a no-win situation. It’s best to focus on being the person you want to be and treating others how you’d want to be treated.
The universe is a collection of diverse, and often polar, individuals. You can’t please everybody. You can’t succumb to the peer pressures of everyone; you’d lose your mind. Learn what you need to learn and move on to live your best life. Don’t compromise who you are.
In the moment, every embarrassment and every rejection can feel like an indictment and every acceptance can feel like a validation. They’re just opinions.
Good luck.
You can follow Saint Andrew on Twitter @_saintdrew, and Tumblr @saint-drew where I share my thoughts, opinions, and art.
